the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
