does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
