Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize