i'm signing you up for texting rehab
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
