I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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