my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
