My friends, they love my intelligence
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
