Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
