I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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