i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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