farters have to be the big spoon...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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