so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
