I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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