He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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