honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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