any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
