Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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