Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
