Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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