I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
