Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
