Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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