I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
