College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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