You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
