I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
