i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
