when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
