I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
