Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
there is glitter all over my balls
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
