News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
