I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
