I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
