Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
