i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
