i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Vodka?
Forever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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