All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
