my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
