what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
