i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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