my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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