I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
