ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
