Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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