Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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