I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
