how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
