There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
