and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
