Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
