dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
