Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
