Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
