yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
