Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
