I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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