Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
