Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
