Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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