You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
